This article is translated by me from Feng Tang's "大国（GQ中文简体版专栏2010年10月被毙稿）"
Hello, UK,
For a Chinese man like me, who was born in the 1970s, your influence at that time was a little bit small. If we are talking about nation's power, the first two were the Soviet Union and United States. The Russians brought us revolution, which saved, as well as killed, lots of people. Anyway, it changed many people's lives. The Russians also helped us beat Japan, and resist the Americans in North Korea. However, they tricked Outer Mongolia into independence, and they also raped our women and stole many things in the North Eastern industrial area. Whaterever it was, they did big things to us. As for the United States, from the very first day of my memory, he had been the leader who bossed other nations around in his camp against us. You and your other European countries had to listen to him. When we were learning English, we also practiced the American accent, whose "r" sound is close to the Beijing dialect. The Americans first knocked on our head from North Korea, and then stamped on our toes from Vietnam, and then kicked in our testicles from Taiwan. The Americans didn't fire a gun or a canon ball. They simply competed against the Russians in producing weapons. The competition lasted 20 years, and the Soviet Union was gone. On the list of nation's power, the third one is Japan. They killed many of our people, and helped us drive out Chiang Kai-shek. The plastic boxes of teles and VCRs we imported from them drained our saving accounts. But the pornography we imported, we watched it for free. The following nationas of power are Germany and France. The former produces philosophy and good cameras; the latter makes nice clothes and sluts. As for you, the Great Britain, I can't think of much except that you had an elegant queen and that you have been rich before.
The frist time I ever heard that you were addressed as the Great Britain was when I was in a business school in America. An innocent-looking girl from Taiwan gave us a riddle. "Which country's man has the biggest penis?" She asked. Her tone was soft and mild. We were staring at her black-rimmed glasses, thunder-stricken by her riddle, whose resolution seemed far beyond us. The innocent-looking girl then said, "Man in the UK has the biggest penis, that's why it's called the United Condom." Can't people in Taiwan phonetically distinguish between Kingdom and Kongdom?
I have been to the States and Europe many times, and I have been to nearly all the countries in Asia, but you the UK, I haven't visited once. My impression of you is formded through the following things.
Firstly, literature. I studied English by reading British novels. I read almost the complete works of D.H. Lawrence, Somerset Maugham, Robert Stevenson. But different from their American peers, such as Mark Twin, Henry Miller and Kerouac, the British novelists don't use grass, poppy or alcohol, nor do they wear peculiar underwears or pocketwatches. They write with peacefulness and clearness. They write the biggest pain, the greatest desire and child dreams. There is nowhere but in the UK, or China's Zhejiang and Jiangsu provinces during the South Song and Ming Dynasties, where one can find the great novelists who know how to use words. Even if your novelists had had no wild energy, even if their books had said nothing, simply the words give off a clear, smooth and mild fragrance, which caressed my eyes.
Secondly, jade. I was drawn into China's ancient jade five years ago. China has a longer history of using jade than that of using characters. It seems to me that one can find more of China's ancient wisdom and mysteries in jade than in the language. I heard some experts say repeatedly that China's best ancient jade is in the British Museum although your emperial power has dwindled away. I haven't been to the British Museum, but I have read a book by Jessica Rawson on China's jade many times. Unarguably, it is the most authoritative book on this topic. The peak of craftsmanship (not the peak of arts) in human history comes in China's Qing Danysty under the reigns of Kangxi, Yongzheng and Qianlong, which is about the 19th and 20th centuries. When I read that the special envoy sent by George III exchanged with Qianlong silk, playthings, watches and chinaware, I could imagine that these two men had no trouble in understanding the beauty of the craft works of each other's country from inside out.
Thirdly, Hongkong. I have been living in Hongkong in recent years. In this crowded small island, where the gearstick needs frequent switching when the car is running on the road, I have enjoyed your establishments: law and order. Traffic is often smooth here. Even in the worst situation, there is no conjestion. One hardly sees a car cut in, jump the queue or be parked on a wrong spot. If one estimates the time he will spend on going from one place to another, the deviation varies within 5 minutes according to the time slot one estimates against in the day. I don't think it's because people in Hongkong are different. The same driver, when he drives to Shenzhen, becomes excited and shoots light from his eyes. He switches between the lanes, spits out of the window, and shouts at the pedestrians. He said, "If only we had a license plate with a number of the Armed Police Force or the government's, then we could drive in the wrong direction and run the red light." It doesn't matter how many roads you build. Look at Beijing, there are so many roads between Shuangjing and Sanli Tun, but it may cost you 15 minutes, or 60 minutes, or a whole day to get to one of these two places. Another good thing in Hongkong is her preservation of hills and the sea. It takes a taxi 10 minutes from downtown up to the hill, and a bus 10 minutes down to the sea. If there were such an island near Beijing, its best hills and waters would be first taken by different departments of the government. Then the real estate developers and the neighbouring cities would divide up all the remaining good areas, leaving perhaps an undividable green area for public use. Around this green area would be stalls selling snacks, ice creams and handicrafts. Wrapping paper and snack cartons would be littered all over the ground. The roads between the different areas would be full of cars. There would be three options to go from one area to another: helicopter, following a police car or driving between 2 am and 4 am.
We can live to see that China's GDP surpasses America's in 2050, couting for 25% of the world's GDP, the same level the Qianlong period in Qing Dynasty once reached. Now China consumes 50% of the LV bags and Patek Phillippe watches in the world, and keeps over 50% of Africa's oil and uranium minerals. But in 2050, we won't live to see great writers who know how to write in good Chinese, nor can we live to see our own "British Museum" or Beijing's traffic to be as good as Hongkong's.
I wish my judgement was wrong.
Regards!
Feng Tang
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